Technology is great. We now have magazine-sized computers that allow us to do everything from video chatting across continents to accessing and editing the files on our home computer. We can log onto the Internet from anywhere in the world with cell phone reception and find out the name of the song being played over the speakers in a crowded restaurant, all with the touch of a button. But there are also far better, more entertaining, and utterly useless ways to use our state-of-the-art high tech gadgets. So in case you aren’t already aware of them, here are a few of the most whimsically ridiculous.
1. Hungry Hungry Hippos
Never has the death of analog been exemplified in such vividly tragic terms––nor have nerds ever rejoiced more bumptiously in the triumph of childish retro-digitization––than when this game hit the market. In the old days, those poor starving hippos used to actually eat something real, now their hollow stomachs remain perpetually empty.
Looking for a way to rapidly waste $25 and give your ‘friends’ yet another reason to scoff behind your back at how clever you think you are. Look no further than the iMaxi. As if the jokes paralleling the iPad’s name to feminine hygiene products haven’t already been murdered violently enough by overuse, this product has stepped in to take one last pot shot at an already thoroughly desecrated horse corpse.
3. iPad T-Shirt
Nothing says chic like wearing your iPad. …On the other hand, few things in life scream ‘self-satisfied, upper middle class, trying-too-hard-technophile douchebag’ like wearing your iPad.
4. iPad Etch-A-Sketch Case
Ah, the joy of irony. Remember those $5 semi-portable childhood art studios that provoked countless fights between artistic children who spent hours drawing a perfect cartoon masterpiece and their spiteful destructive older brothers? (Well, I do, anyway.) Now you can revel in the sentimental illusion that your $600 iPad is one.
5. Aerodream One Dock
What iPad accessory could possibly be more necessary than a 3.5 meter tall, 395 kg, chrome amplifier dock that obliges you to climb a ladder every time you want to change the song? I can’t really think of anything.
The construction crew is already hard at work on the new wing I’m adding onto the house to make room, and we’ve had to take out a second mortgage, but I just don’t see the point in owning a portable compact computer if I don’t have some suitable speakers to plug it into.
Human beings have always been drawn to the unnecessary and the impractical. So, of course, when all-in-one technologies emerge in the computer industry, we inevitably have to demonstrate that they just aren’t all-in-one enough for our sophisticated complexity of personal needs. Thankfully, as these products show, there are ways to rectify Apple’s careless omission of see-through T-shirt carrying cases and speaker docks that necessitate vaulted ceilings.
Oliver works as a writer for Ladbrokes in the UK. His main interests include F1 and not using his raspberry pi to educate schoolchildren.
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