After my conceptual article several months ago on 5 unacceptable Apps that would never exist, I’ve since decided to go on a journey to find Apps that are already out there shocking and appalling the masses. Understandably many of them have been swiftly removed from the App Store, but the fact that all the Apps in the following list have at some point existed is a dark little testament to the Apple adage that there’s an ‘App for That.’
1. Exodus International ‘gay cure’ App
Recently pulled from the App Store, Exodus offers ‘reperative therapy’ to those seeking ‘freedom from homosexuality.’ Based on God knows what (get it?), the group claims that homosexuality is a ‘multicausal, developmental issue’ that can be cured through the ‘healing power of Jesus.’
While Exodus was recently pulled from the App Store after around 150,000 people petitioned against it, it does, in fairness, seem like a well-designed App. For those distanced enough from reality to believe that Jesus will cure their sexuality, there is a menu from which you can browse through News, Events and Videos. There is a section dedicated to advice for students, and you can even donate for the cause. It’s amazing how horrifically deluded the good intentions of Christian cults can be.
2. Me So Holy.
From a Church-developed App that offends gay people, to an App that will offend people of all major religious beliefs. Me So Holy allows you to choose a picture showing one of several major religious icons, and replace their face with yours, effectively making you a religious icon unto yourself!
Obviously, the disrespectful nature of this App meant that it never made it to the App Store; that, and the inevitable backlash from hard-line Muslims who wouldn’t be too happy upon seeing Muhammed’s body with the head of some grinning idiot posted up on facebook. Me So Holy can, however, be acquired for free on Cydia. I’m not encouraging people to jailbreak their phones to get a blasphemous App, but the option certainly is there for all ye heathens and non-believers.
3. Find Sex Offenders Free
One of the Apps that I suggested would be too unacceptable to exist (see ‘5 totally unacceptable Apps that will never exist’) was a paedophile tracking service. Here, people would be able to use their iPhone’s GPS to know the whereabouts of local electronically-tagged sex offenders to ensure their own safety, presumably by organising a mob to go burn down the houses of the local pervs.
As it happens, a recent look at the ‘Top Paid Apps’ list on the Store revealed that this ingenious concept does in fact already exist! Find Sex Offenders Free! pinpoints the addresses of your local undesirables’ locations and even displays details of their crimes. After all, if your next-door neighbour’s a paedo, you’ve got a right to know haven’t you? Well, questionable, but now you can anyway.
At a high-flying, drug-fuelled party and don’t have any social stimulants to offer? Well, with the iSnort you needn’t worry as it gives you an infinite supply of digital cocaine to rack up, snort and share; what a way to get popular, right?
Available only on jailbroken phones running Cydia, the iSnort can be purchased for £5. Since that (apparently) equates to about a single line of the real stuff, it seems like quite a good deal. The iSnort makes surprisingly good use of the touch-screen technology, with the digital little pile of powder responding accurately to being cut up with a card and snorted through a note. Irony aside, this is one of the most pointless Apps in existence.
5. I Am Rich
In our glorious individualistic society, some people buy things just to show how filthy stinking rich they are, and I Am Rich lets you do just that. The £599.99 price tag is no joke, as at least a couple of people have found out to their detriment. All this App gives you is a glowing red gem with a mantra that says ‘I am rich, I deserve it, I am good, healthy and successful’ (in other words, I am a dickhead).
I find it strangely unsurprising that several people actually bought this App, and not all of them asked for refunds; the developer suddenly seems like quite a clever man. However, due to the fools who accidentally bought this App – and general outrage from more conservative folk – I Am Rich is no more. Still, its short run on the App Store disturbingly revealed that there are people out there who are willing to literally throw money away.
6. Baby Shaker
Ever wondered what it would be like to shake a baby to death? No, neither have I (honestly), but for a short while, there was an App that let you do it. The backlash was obviously immense and it was soon removed from the App Store, but I have to admit that the sheer garishness of it was pretty amusing.
The App itself is, frankly, crap and those sick people expecting an at all accurate portrayal of shaking a baby would be disappointed. Baby Shaker simply shows sketches of babies accompanied by their wailing. Shake your iPhone a bit, and two red crosses appear over their eyes, moving you onto the next baby. Hardly shocking in itself, but it goes to show that a sick concept alone can go a long way.