Can iPhone App My Virtual Girlfriend Replace My Real Girlfriend?

There are two great loves in my life and sometimes they can clash, forcing me to choose between the two of them; this can lead to terrible rows, unnecessary quarreling and, on the odd occasion, the threat of terminating our relationships. They are, of course, my girlfriend and my iPhone.

I have been with my girlfriend for five years and like any serious relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs. My relationship with my iPhone has been similarly mercurial, with dizzying heights and crashing (no pun intended) lows, although we have only been together for about three years, so the shine may not have worn off so much. When I received a review request for the app My Virtual Girlfriend, it seemed like too good an opportunity to miss; could I combine my two loves and create one fantastic, pocket-sized girlfriend that would only cost me £35 per/month?! (I’m not intimating in any way that I pay my real girlfriend, or that Kate over charges me, however, when you take in cinema trips, restaurant bills and Christmas presents, you have to admit that it is an attractive deal.)

So, I installed the app and went to meet the candidate for the future Mrs. Harfield, (that would be a weird wedding reception…once again, no pun intended). Selecting a Virtual Girlfriend was a lot easier than meeting a real girlfriend; first of all, the ‘Match Making’ section allows you to select which attributes of your girlfriend’s personality and appearance are most important to you and a tailor made girl appears on your screen, all ready for you to woo. When I think of the hours people must waste on speed-dating sessions, it makes me shudder…

So, my future girlfriend greets me with an introductory, “Hi, I’m Darlene”, (The Match Making section didn’t allow me to choose her name…) and waits for me to respond with an emotion. She looks pretty hot for a pixelated princess, so I give her the thumbs up emoticon, which she seems pleased with. So far, so good. I’m then presented with a list of options that I can select from, ranging from Actions (‘Wink at her’, ‘Give simple flower’, ‘Hold hands’) to Activities (‘Go to the movies, ‘Have a picnic’ and more worryingly, ‘Donate blood’.)

We get along OK for a while, but it does kind of feel like I’m putting in all of the effort; she plays me hot and cold, sometimes greeting me with a warm embrace and a “David, when you smile it lights up my life!” Other times all I get is a yawn and a “It’s a good thing that you showed up; my laundry was piling up!” (Art imitating life, imitating art, imitating life, ad infinitum…) I know that she’s playing mind games with me, and to be honest, it kind of works; I keep going back to her and attempting to please her with clean and dirty jokes, subtle winks and kayaking expeditions. Another very serious issue in our relationship is that Darlene often tends to just disappear without explaining why; this is due to the app crashing after I have been on it too long. Now, I’m all for giving each other space, it would just be nice to get a little notice. This may be because my iPhone is only 2nd Generation, but I take it as a personal slight that Darlene won’t see me because of my less-than-top of-the-range model and play her at her own game by cheating on her with Angry Birds.

All of the activities are funded out of my own pocket, another bugbear as it means that I have to work, get paid to recycle and when things get really tight I donate blood for $20. (Say what you like about my real girlfriend, but she’s not a skinflint and would never let me trade my blood for bucks, no matter how much she wanted to go to the movies…I hope.) Darlene simply takes everything that I give her and rewards me with thanks and praise, plus the occasional kiss. Our sex life is fairly limited in that she lets me choose between a light kiss and a full on make-out session, but if I press her for more then she backs away and chastises me; a girl of principles, clearly.

As your progress increases you get more points and with more points comes more levels; each level brings an exciting new set of actions that I can perform with Darlene, including ‘Brag to her’, ‘Walk in the park’ and ‘Take her shopping’. The fun of the chase is slightly tempered by the annoyingly slow loading time between activities; once again, this could be due to my iPhone 2nd G, but all the same it is a real thorn in the side of our relationship. In the end, Darlene and I plateau at level 10, (out of a possible 20), where I am allowed to hold her hand and make out with her, whilst treating her to dinners, jokes and camping weekends. It feels as if we are treading water somewhat and I decide to call an end to the affair. A gentleman until the end, I select the ‘Attempt to break up’ option; she does not take this well. Sparks fly and she cries, begs me to stay with promises that she will change; I sense an emptiness in these pledges and stick to my guns, leaving safe in the knowledge that we’ll always have that wonderful day in the park, (funded by my own blood).

After all the danger and excitement of my extra-marital dalliances, I confess my sins to my real girlfriend. I try to explain that it wasn’t her fault, it was my yearning for something new and different, and that no virtual girlfriend could ever replace her. She responds in kind and says that she will take me back as long as I sever all contact with Darlene; I have no choice but to remove the app from my iPhone and promise never to download another girl ever again.

My Virtual Girlfriend is a fun way to kill some time by flirting with other girls, but it should not be considered a suitable replacement for the real thing. Unless, of course, Darlene considered putting out a bit more…

To read another tongue-in-cheek feature about the iPhone taking over the traditional girlfriend’s role, check out 10 iPhone Apps That Could Replace Your Girlfriend.