5 totally unacceptable Apps that will never exist

1. iSpank

I don’t suppose anyone has noticed that the iPhone makes quite a good spanking tool? Clearly not, for if they had then iSpank would definitely be available for purchase on the App Store. iSpank is the perfect supplement to a good Friday night out with the lads, as it allows you to use the iPhone to spank unsuspecting women (‘they love it really’) and have your it rated.

The spanks get rated based on how much of the iPhone screen makes contact with the victim’s posterior and how hard you hit it. Immediately after the spank you’d have the option to take a snapshot of the victim’s immediate reaction and post it on all your favourite social networking sites. To add a sense of accomplishment to your actions, the perfect spank would be accompanied by a loutish ‘OI OIIIIIIIIIII’. Such is the potential of this App that it could even become the latest anti-social Urban Sport; a natural successor to popular pastimes like Happy Slapping and Acid Throwing.

2. Rub ‘n’ Tug

Rub ‘n’ Tug is a game that revolves around intimately pleasing males and females, depending on your gender/sexual orientation. The iPhone touch-screen is perfectly suited to the rubbing motion required for satisfying a woman, while the motion-sensitive Accelerometer means that the iPhone would respond to the wrist-action required for… tugging. Rub ‘n’ Tug would have a basic story mode where you progress through levels of increasingly difficult-to-please males and females of all shapes and sizes; eventually, fingers would cramp and wrists would sprain but this would be part of the valuable learning experience.

Indeed, Rub ‘n’ Tug could also pass as educational software for the (probably under-age) teens out there wondering what to do when they reach that ‘special place.’ Alternatively, it’d deceive sexually-stunted geeks into thinking that stimulating digital privates is a valid replacement for the real thing, encouraging them to retreat further into their technology-based realities.

3. Snuff Booth

We already have an Old Booth, Zombie Booth and Fat Booth. Why not take the Booth concept to the next level? Snuff Booth does this by showing you what you look like when you kick the bucket, snuff it, whatever you want to call it. Snuff Booth would let you choose how far gone you look, anywhere from freshly dead all the way through to a 50-year-old skull, which of course would be based on your facial proportions! The adjustable settings would give Snuff Booth an infinite amount of appeal to those willing to face their own mortality, giving it an edge over the current crop of clichéd Booth Apps.

4. G.Pedo.S Tracking Service

Sex offenders are on the rampage in our country! No woman or child is safe from the raging hordes of depraved perverts running free among us! We need to know where they are and who they are AT ALL TIMES! If honest papers like the Daily Mail and The Sun are to be believed, then this is a problem that needs an immediate solution.

Thankfully, electronic tagging of our substantial Sex Offender population means that they can now be tracked using GPS technology, a technology that’s contained in our own iPhones! With G.Pedo.S Tracking Service, users have constant real-time access to their local sex offenders’ whereabouts, complete with mugshots and details of their sick wrongdoings.

If you’re walking home late at night, wouldn’t you like to know if there’s a convicted rapist down a side-street you’re thinking of taking? Don’t parents have a right to know that the reason the man two doors down the street lost his job as a P.E. Teacher is because he has a deviant attraction to kids in Speedo’s? There is a slight chance that this App would lead to angry mobs of fear-crazed parents going on violence campaigns against convicted offenders, but who’ll miss them? Best of all, since any parent would agree that their child’s safety is priceless, I’d say that £59.99 on the App Store would be a more than reasonable asking price.

5. Black Market Direct (BMD)

Below the radar of our fragile economy exists a bustling underground market filled with guns, drugs and counterfeit goods. Considering that attempting to crack down on the black market appears to be a lost cause, the iPhone would be a perfect platform to create an online community for it.

With Black Market Direct users submit the details – phone number, mugshot, general vicinity – of their black market contacts into the App database, giving all users access to the traders’ goods. So if you find yourself in sudden need of a pirate DVD, a submachine gun, or any other not-so-legal goods, you simply log in to BMD and see what your options are in the local area.

There would be a ratings system for all the traders on the database as well as the possibility of leaving comments on your experiences; so if a bootleg copy of the new Harry Potter turns out to be a warped Japanese porn film, or if the guy posing as a weed dealer knifed you and ran off with your money, this would work against the culprit trader’s feedback score. Should someone receive too much negative feedback from users, then they risk being removed from the BMD database.

With a dedicated enough community, rankings and ‘Top 10’ lists would eventually arise, making users fully aware of who the best and safest black market traders are in the UK. Thanks to this system, Black Market Direct could make underworld trade in this country as safe and user-friendly an experience as shopping on eBay.